Raissman: Whiny Tiki Barber and Gary Myers should team up

The “speak loudly and carry an even bigger stick” world of sportstalk radio is no place to give peace a chance.

Trudging many miles through the Valley of the Stupid, studying the psychological inner workings of Mad Dogs and Sports Popes, provides us with mountains of evidence that this is the undisputed truth.

To be successful in this world there must be divisiveness. There’s no Gasbag like an angry Gasbag. If presented with a variety of talent, give us a motivated mouth who comes to the microphone with bad intentions and a huge ego, over some sleep-inducing Stat Geek.

Enter Tiki Barber and his newly found foil, Gary Myers. They should be paired as a new radio team. They are oil and vodka. Or peanut butter and mustard.

For a few but all too fleeting minutes Tuesday, the CBS Sports Radio morning mouth and Daily News boss NFL scribe composed a disdainful symphony, awakening the slumbering, unsuspecting, unwashed masses and leaving all who promote the grand cause of uncomfortable confrontations wanting more.

Barber and Myers. Myers and Barber. Either configuration has a nice ring to it, right. All that’s left now is to find the appropriate jingle to introduce the show. How about a sad, whiny violin? That’s all that was missing when Barber, casting himself in the poor-me role, set the foundation for his beef with Myers, who clearly views Tiki as a man consumed with self-promotion.

“I’m tired. I’m tired. At some point, I have to stick up for myself,” Barber said on his radio show. “The personal shots that you take at me are ridiculous, Gary. Ridiculous.”

Unless you make a living transcribing radio interviews, there is no need to get bogged down with minor details. Let’s just say Barber, who made news Monday on an L.A. radio station by saying his former Giants coach, Tom Coughlin, has gotta go, recounted his version of the personal slights Myers has directed at him over the years (including calling Barber a “distraction” to the Giants in 2006 for announcing his retirement plans in midseason).

Myers did not even mention Barber in his Tuesday column. What (thankfully) set Tiki off was Myers directing a few pleasantries his way on Twitter Monday night.

Stuff like: “Tiki quit football to become the next Matt Lauer. How did that work out?”

Bada-bing.

The visual: Barber adjusting his trunks, pointing to the referee, and claiming he had been hit below the belt, which is totally legal in the sportstalk arena. Myers, whose volume switch only reaches five, said he resented the way Barber was characterizing him. “You’re obviously trying to pick a fight with me. I’m not going to let you do it,” Myers said.

“No, I’m not picking a fight with you,” Barber said. “I actually don’t care about you. I just wonder why everything you write is personal.”

Tiki quit football to become next Matt Lauer. How did that work out? Then when he trained for a comeback in 2011 nobody signed him.

— Gary Myers (@garymyersNYDN) November 18, 2014

Fortunately, the conversation went totally off the rails (the ultimate goal of both mouths losing control had been reached), necessitating a cameo by Barber’s partner, the excitable Brandon Tierney, who actually prevailed on the participants to calm down and stop talking over each other.

If they were in the same room, we would only hope 1) They would nearly come to blows and 2) The show was simulcast on television.

“Gary, I don’t give a crap what you think about Tom Coughlin. And I will never, ever make a name of myself because of you,” Barber said. “I rushed for 10,000 yards in the National Football League. I spent 10 years with the greatest organization in the NFL, and I need to make my name off of you? Please. I ask you a question about why you personally attack me. You still have not answered it.”

Myers pooh-poohed that notion, claiming he had never penned a personal attack.

“Tiki, I hate to disappoint you,” Myers said, “but I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about you.”

Then, Barber urged Myers to “have a great life.” Sadly this magical radio moment had ended all too soon.

Tiki Barber, the former Giants running back, claims he was hit below the belt.

You need at least 10 seeing-eye dogs to find CBS Sports Radio, but this one confrontation gave it some pop and exposure it has not enjoyed. Those who care about such things were talking about it (Barber’s Tuesday appearance on WFAN’s “Boomer and Carton” show also helped).

Some were even wondering why Barber’s morning show does not air in New York, where CBS uses two stations (660 AM and 101.9 FM) to air WFAN.

On the phantom radio network he works for, Barber was just another mouth. His emotions are usually measured. Tuesday, his dislike of Myers pushed him into another dimension. Barber let loose, showing he can zero in on a target and verbally blast away.

And while he didn’t know what buttons he was pushing at the time, Myers now knows what makes Barber’s mouth run.

Barber and Myers. Myers and Barber.

All this wonderful hate and nowhere to hear it.

Ain’t that a shame?